Why we built our own Enneagram test for relationships
How many times have you had (yet another) argument and thought “Why do we end up here time and time again?”. Then you can’t help but diagnose and that diagnosis doesn’t travel much further than “Who is to blame?”. Which almost never leads to more connection, love and happiness.
The subject changes. It might be money, parenting, an unanswered message or the state of the kitchen. But underneath, the same familiar moves appear:
One of you pushes for an answer.
The other needs space.
One tries to fix it.
The other wants to feel heard.
Before long, you are arguing about each other's reactions as much as the original problem.
After 12 years of working with individuals and couples, I have become obsessed with this question: ‘What is each of us trying to protect when a conversation gets difficult?’ And then ‘How do we recover and not do it again?’
That is why we built the DGL Enneagram Relationship Indicator.
What is the Enneagram?
The Enneagram describes nine recurring patterns of attention, motivation and response. It can help us explore why two people experience the same moment so differently, particularly when they feel criticised, uncertain, overlooked or controlled. We have been using it for years and any couple who comes to work with us, undertakes the enneagram test before we get to work, because it resolves so much misunderstanding before a single coaching/counselling/therapy word is even spoken.
Despite how often we feel misunderstood, the enneagram helps us (and our partners) motivation and behaviour become very predictable, which leads to more understanding, not more arguing. The enormous problem with arguing, you’re both right and that’s stalemate!
I don't use it to put people in boxes. A type is a starting hypothesis, not a verdict on who you are. The interesting part begins when you recognise a pattern in real life and ask, What am I doing here? What is it costing me? What other choices do I have?
Why another test?
There are already Enneagram tests online. I wanted one that connects self-understanding to the moments that matter in relationships.
Our assessment asks 81 questions and shows how you score across all nine types. It highlights a likely core type and other strong patterns, including when the scores are close. A close result deserves curiosity; it isn't a reason to force a confident label.
The accompanying relationship report goes further than naming a type. It explores strengths, the habits that can take over under pressure, and questions to bring back into everyday conversations. It is the sort of material I want someone to be able to sit with, talk through with a partner, and return to later.
It will reveal to you:
Core desire and fear,
Relationship strengths
Blind spots
Conflict and pressure responses
Growth
Your partner’s experience
A type doesn't excuse a behaviour
One of the least useful things we could do with this tool is say, “That's just my type,” and stop there. Thats as useless as saying “I’m sorry, I wont do it again” and then what happens? Yup they do it again. The point is to become more responsible for the effect we have on one another.
If I can see that I withdraw when I feel overwhelmed, I can tell my partner I need a pause and when I will come back. If I notice that I push harder when I feel unheard, I can ask for what I need without turning up the volume. Those are small shifts, but relationships are lived in small moments.
The result may also surprise you. If it doesn't seem right, I would rather you investigate it than persuade yourself it must be true. No questionnaire knows you better than a lifetime of living inside your own skin.
Try it for yourself
You can take the DGL Enneagram Relationship Indicator now. Set aside some uninterrupted time and answer as you generally are, rather than as you wish you were or as you behaved on one particularly difficult Tuesday.
When your results arrive, start with one question:
Where does this pattern show up between me and the people I love?
You do not need a perfect type label to have a useful conversation. You need a little honesty, a little curiosity and enough room to see what happens next.
